maintenance report

it has nothing to do with who's better....but

girls who like boys who dig girls who like boys

its not unusual for a woman to have a crush. but this one is different. its the first one i've experienced as an adult. if turning 25 this year makes me an adult.

ok, first things first, all my suitors have nicknames...redhead, issue boy, fubu male model, puff daddy impersonator, amway salesboy, the virgin, gay firefighter, southie firefighter...we could go on.

Well the current crush would be horrified to know what his nickname was. Simply horrified. At least he went to the top of my hot list. That's the list qualifying hotness of suitors, flings and summer affairs. He sent my temps way up into the 100's. Oh lord yes he did. Its not cause I feel like a loser- its cause I dont feel exactly like I'm my BEST self so I feel unworthy of standing next to someone so L.A. hot. I'm exotic by SF standards - I fade into the background out here. All these exotic bitches, whatever happened to the girl next door? Oh her hottie husband dumped her for a ho with big lips and likes to play with her own blood.....

Oh what is my best self? Its basically getting back the body I had when I was 16. How long can it take to rebuild a body? Someone please fill me in...anyway it would entail getting back what I lost from having mono and all those summer I smoked mary-jane in the wee hours of the morning with Foo-Foo and Maurice under the 101 overpass in Hunter's Point, back home.

Her ass

looks at that thing. that was my ass in junior high. whereas she embraces it here in a form fitting gown and fur capelet, i spent the better part of the 7th grade muffling it in oversized t-shirts and jeans. oh how i hate myself for that.

her arms

madge is yoked! and i love that about her beyond her music, she is SERIOUS about this shit and has always been.

her legs

sure, all her shit and antics have been questionable of late, well for the last 3 year - however, three years ago she had quite enviable stems. when i do the santa monica stairs i always think about dem legs.

her abs

i think she's one of the most flawless (in terms of beauty, she still can't keep a man.) women on earth - but she has a killer waist to hip ratio, as do I, but i'd like a little less hip and a little less waist.

other than that i'm good to go...i mean...things could be worse...i mean i could look like this...

i mean- how do you get to this? at what point are you just like...maybe i should just have HALF a cake today...

READ! I am no way imploring that only fit women can keep a man. there is a man out there that LOVES big bertha up there and will swim through mounds of fatto prove it. If so, then that's fucking lovely.

Meanwhile, I settle for being considered "stacked."  I know real men generally love WOMEN - black, white, latina, asian, tall, skinny, short, pudgy - and I love men like that!

But for me to be comfy in my own skin, I'm gonna need to continue riding that bike and moreso, eat steak and broccoli for dinner for lunch and dinner for another month to notice a difference....

::::sigh::::

So there it is, I'm crushing on my new friend. <

what's the one thing that will make me drop everything and drool though? having the ability to dance.  Nothing more sultry- and he can, real good. I've judged many a men based on their ability to stay on beat, keep the rhythm and mix up said dances. White man's two-steppin with overbite is not a dance. Waving your hands in the air and humping my ass, again, not a dance. Picking me up and swinging me across the floor - this is not a ballroom, that is not dancing. 

what becomes of my usual "tastemakers" -the usual types of boys i like - most of my friends know my range of male interest varies but he must fit between this

 

<--that's Derek Fisher. see when it comes to black men, this is generally what i got for. let us observe his face. cute eyes, button nose, nice even lips, facial hair tapered just so, hair is shorn and dressed. no ingrowns, no blackheads, very adorable. he's tall, physically fit and doesn't look like his breath smells. i don't really care that he's a basketball player- that actually gives him a bit of a downgrade - but just look at that face. very handsome.

OR

< -- Ben Affleck. I don't care how weasily he came off after the Bennifer1 mess, I have been a fan for years. He's yummy. And brainy! I don't care what the Miramax bio said, he did write "Good Will Hunting." Plus, he LOOOOVES technology. and he can habla espanol as well.  I like his face, he's just got a cute face and he's tall. But when I found out he was a gamer that just drove me wild. He's just a big dork. I LOVE DORKS!

All I know is I'm on a gadddam mission. This summer is not going to waste cause I wish I could swallow a dozen strawberry cream cheese danishes in one sitting.  But that's just ka-razy.

Oh hell nah. Gotta run, need to ride my bike!